


Moments Stay When People Leave...

by lovelarry10



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Breaking Up & Making Up, Broken Hearts, Christmas, Christmas Angst, Christmas Presents, Emotional Hurt, Exes to Lovers, Fluff and Hurt/Comfort, Happy Ending, M/M, Pining, Regret, Sad Harry, Sad Louis
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-13
Updated: 2019-12-13
Packaged: 2021-02-25 21:27:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 13,855
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21782170
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lovelarry10/pseuds/lovelarry10
Summary: Louis just shrugged then, his eyes shining with unshed tears as he looked back up at Harry, pain etched into his face.“You could’ve just talked to me, told me how you were feeling? I just… I deserved more than you gave me, Harry.”*****Harry gets lost in the memories of the best relationship he'd ever had, and then threw away, breaking two hearts. He makes a decision just before Christmas, and can only hope Louis feels the same...
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 41
Kudos: 284
Collections: 1D Christmas Fest





	Moments Stay When People Leave...

**Author's Note:**

> This fic was entirely inspired by a song. 'Last December' (Christmas version) by Nina Nesbitt to be precise. I lifted some lines from it because they were too beautiful not to use, and I'll be honest... it hurt a lot writing this. But I hope ultimately it leaves you happy and full of hope. Please listen to it, it's beautiful, and the fic hits differently if you do.
> 
> Merry Christmas xx
> 
> Please leave a comment and let me know your thoughts, they honestly do make me want to keep writing. My next Christmas one is coming soon and is more fun, I promise!
> 
> xx
> 
> DISCLAIMER:  
> This is a work of fiction. All characters are of my own creation and in no way reflect the beliefs and actions of those in real life. Any sexual content is consensual and legal per the consent guidelines in the United Kingdom. Please ensure you read the tags before proceeding with this story - they are there to protect you and me. If you believe anything is in any way triggering for you, please do not continue reading. 
> 
> Reposting of this work is a violation of copyright and will be reported. I also do not permit any translations of my work.

Harry looked around the flat, sighing at just how empty it felt. Sure, he’d decorated for Christmas, his little fresh tree sat in the corner, dripping with tinsel and fairy lights and a variety of ornaments, adding a dash of festive cheer to the room, but it somehow wasn’t enough. The tinsel draped around picture frames, the little Countdown to Christmas ornament on the windowsill, the snowflake stickers he’d stuck to the window… it all just reminded Harry that it might be Christmas, but he was very much alone.

His presence still lingered everywhere, or rather, was rather made more obvious by the omissions in the flat. Gaps on the shelves remained from where he’d taken his beloved Marvel film collection. There were empty spots on top of the dresser where his photos once stood, ones Harry had taken down the day he’d left, unable to look at them anymore in fear of breaking his own heart a little more. 

But what stung most of all was looking at the ornaments Harry had carelessly hung on the tree when he’d drunkenly decorated it a few nights ago. He’d grabbed them from the box, hanging them haphazardly from the branches, not taking much notice of what they were. Now, though, in the cold light of day, they hurt. They were memories, was the thing. They’d always bought one wherever they went, little mementoes of their trips, and seeing them glaring at him was just a stark reminder of what Harry no longer had. What he’d thrown away. Taking them down wasn’t an option, though. That would be like pretending they hadn’t happened, that he hadn’t shared the best two years with him.

Sighing, Harry grabbed his phone and pressed on the screen, a little surprised to see it was nearly four. The sun was starting to set and he knew in just a few hours it would be dark, and another day would be over. At the moment, Harry just felt like he was going through the motions of life, and he wasn’t happy. Not by a long shot. Not since he’d thrown away the best thing in his life because he got scared. But it was too late. They were done. And now, this was his reality. Sat in their-  _ his _ flat, alone, just three days before Christmas.

Before he could think it through, Harry unlocked the device and opened up his photo app, his fingers automatically finding one of the albums he hadn’t looked at in too long, simply because it hurt too much to do so. He swallowed heavily as he settled back on the sofa, a cushion clutched to his stomach as he started to swipe through the images. They’d saved for ages to afford a weekend trip to London, spending too much money to go to Winter Wonderland in Hyde Park, sharing a tiny hotel room, keeping warm under the thin duvet, tangled up together.

Harry felt his eyes sting with tears as he saw how happy they were, how their eyes shone in the Christmas lights, their wide smiles as Harry held the phone at arm’s length, snapping slightly blurry selfies. It had been one of the best weekends of Harry’s life, and the memories were still fresh, and just the complete antithesis of this year.

With shaking fingers, Harry exited the app and pulled up the message thread he hadn’t been able to bring him to look at for weeks now. When they’d first separated, Harry had cried himself to sleep too many times to count, reading all the wonderful messages they’d exchanged over the amazing two years they’d spent together, their love confessions, their deepest desires, dirtiest thoughts, hopes and dreams for the future. His fingertips moved slowly across the glass, and he didn’t bother to read it back before he pressed send, just closing his eyes as the little whoosh confirmed it had gone.

_ Harry: I loved last December. Don’t think I don’t remember it all now. _

_ ****** _

Harry had fallen asleep on the sofa the night before, his phone clutched in his hand and when he’d woken up, it was completely dead. He had a horrible crick in his neck, and the Christmas lights were still shining brightly where he’d neglected to get up and turn them off. He’d groaned and stood up, dragged his feet as he’d walked through to his bedroom, plugging in his phone and leaving it on the bedside table while he’d stripped off and walked to the shower, keeping the water cooler than was really comfortable, letting it wake him up.

After that, he’d forced himself to eat a bowl of cereal for breakfast, not hungry in the slightest. It was December 23rd now, and Harry knew he had some final Christmas wrapping to do. Anne had forced him to agree to spend Christmas with her and Gemma, crying down the phone when she told Harry she was worried about him spending the day alone in his flat, and he’d given in, agreeing to drive home on Christmas Eve. It had made her happy, even if Harry didn’t feel particularly enthused about it himself.

When he’d dried his hair, he grabbed the bag of presents from his wardrobe and dumped them on the small table in the kitchen, rummaging around under his bed for the rolls of wrapping paper he’d picked up a few weeks ago in town when he’d been struck with a fleeting festive feeling. Part of him wished he could get that feeling back again, that excitement he’d always harboured for December and Christmas. He wasn’t sure if it would ever feel the same again.

Reluctantly, he peeled the cellophane off the roll of paper and spread it out on the table, the scissors and sellotape sat on the chair next to him as he pulled out the first few presents. It was the usual things he bought his Mum and sister Gemma at Christmas, but they always loved and appreciated them nonetheless. As he wrapped mindlessly, his hands going through the motions, he remembered doing this together the year before, a huge collection of presents sat on the floor around them as Harry wrapped, ably assisted by the man next to him who genuinely thought that plonking a bow on the top of the wrapped present was actually helping. Still, Harry hadn’t minded as they’d chatted the whole time, sharing lazy kisses until they were finished, excited to share Christmas together in their flat.

Last Christmas had been amazing. Harry had always been sure he never wanted to share Christmas with anyone, especially after his painful break-up with Dylan, but Louis had changed all of that for him. He’d made Harry open his heart again, made him see the wonderful things about sharing those moments with the person that you loved, and Harry knew he’d be forever grateful for that. This year, though, Louis would be spending Christmas without him. They’d be apart, all because of Harry letting his past dictate his future. Harry was surprised to realise this bothered him more than he expected it to. For once, it wasn’t the thought of Dylan that was hurting him, it was thoughts of Louis, and he didn’t really know how that made him feel. 

Harry shook away the memory and kept going, plucking gift after gift from the bag and wrapping it, twirling ribbons with the blades of his scissors until he had a colourful pile of gifts on the floor by his feet, ready to be given out in a few days. Harry reached into the bag and pulled out the last one and bit down hard on his bottom lip, willing the tears not to fall. He’d forgotten he’d bought this, that it was still here. Harry reached up and swiped away the tears as he started to wrap it up, unsure what else to do. He couldn’t return it, but the thought of sitting there, a forgotten gift, made him ridiculously sad. Louis didn’t deserve that. He was probably the best person Harry had ever met in his life.

He stared off into space at that thought, things whirling through his mind he hadn’t considered in too long, scared of what they’d mean. There was actually no doubt in Harry’s mind over what kind of person Louis was. He was kind, he was open, and he was just so wonderful Harry didn’t really know what he’d done to deserve his love. Yet, despite all of this, Harry had walked away, all because of Dylan. Dylan, who’d taken his tender nineteen year old heart and smashed it to pieces when he’d ended their three year relationship in the blink of an eye, without warning, taking away Harry’s trust in men and love forever. Consequently, he’d let that destruction seep into his mind, tearing apart his relationship with Louis in fear of having his heart broken again.

But the more Harry thought about it, the more he realised that actually, Dylan wasn’t the reason Harry was hurting right now. Harry had always ached over losing Dylan, figuring he was the one who got away. But now, Harry realised that Dylan wasn’t that person for him. Louis was. Louis was the one he’d lost, and he was now part of his past. That didn’t sit easily with Harry, and he swallowed down the lump in his throat, running his fingers over the now wrapped present he’d arranged for Louis so long ago now.

He blinked, startling himself back to reality and instead of clearing away as he usually would after starting something, Harry pushed away from the table and walked away, sitting heavily down on the sofa, his head in his hands. His chest felt tight, and no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t push away the lump in his throat. He so desperately wanted to cry but he had a feeling that if he did, he’d never stop. Keeping it inside meant keeping it under control, and he needed that right now. 

He heard his phone ping in his bedroom and he got up, clearing his throat as he silently thanked whoever had text him, dragging him out of his maudlin moment. He smiled when he saw it was his mum sending him a photo of the Christmas food shop she’d done, carrier bags spread across her kitchen floor with ‘I’m ready to feed my lovely family!’ written underneath. Harry just sent back a few Christmas emojis and some kisses before he went to lock his phone, seeing the red icon showing ‘1’ against his messages.

He frowned and opened it again, his jaw dropping when he saw that he’d replied. He hadn’t noticed because he’d left the phone there earlier on, and now he felt sick. Harry wanted to open it, but the thought that the message might contain a rejection made him feel sick. Deciding to get it over with, Harry pressed on it, biting back a sob when he saw what was written there.

_ Louis: I miss you. _

As much as Harry had been trying to hold himself together, he couldn’t then. It was too much, his mind full of Louis already, and now reading this… it was emotional overload. He let the dam burst, his tears coming out in noisy bursts of sobs, his eyes scrunched shut. He hurt everywhere, his heart ached and he so badly wanted to fix the horrible mistake he’d made five months ago, something he thought was right at the time but now knew was the worst thing he’d ever done. He’d broken not only his own heart, but the heart of someone who had given him his so easily, with the trust Harry would always take care of it. He’d demolished that trust, torn it apart and he had no idea how to even begin fixing the hurt he’d caused.

He sniffed and grabbed the edge of the duvet, wiping away his tears as he tapped away hurriedly at the screen, not caring how emotionally vulnerable he was being right now. He had to tell him how he felt, and he could only hope that Louis would listen.

_ Harry: You gave me your best and I gave you my worst. I’m so sorry. _

It was after just a few seconds that the message ticked over to read, and Harry stayed as still as a statue as he saw the familiar bubbles that told him a message was being written back before they disappeared. His heart sank, but then they started up again, making him shake.

_ Louis: I loved the way that you always put me first. _

Harry gave the phone a watery smile at that, wishing he could agree with that statement. Right now, he couldn’t. He’d been selfish, and because of that, he’d lost the only person he’d ever allowed himself to love since-. Harry shook the thought away, focusing entirely on Louis, and what he wanted to say next. Just as he was gathering his thoughts enough to reply, another message came through, this one just as emotional as the last.

_ Louis: When I met you, I felt like I wanted to save you somehow.  _

Harry felt his bottom lip tremble, hating himself for how he’d let someone as special as Louis go. The tears were falling freely from his cheeks now, and Harry just let himself cry as he tapped out another message, the relief of being in contact with Louis again flooding every part of his body.

_ Harry: I took it for granted because I couldn't see why you'd let me in just to get hurt? _

It was just seconds later Louis replied.

_ Louis: You were different to anyone I’d ever known.  _

_ Louis: You were always special. _

_ Louis: Merry Christmas, Harry. Take care. Be happy. _

“No, no, no,” Harry mumbled, feeling like that felt too final, like Louis was saying goodbye. He sprang up from where he was sitting, ripping the phone off the charger cord as he sprinted to the living room, and to the top dresser drawer. He rummaged around it amongst the dead batteries, ball of string, remotes he hadn’t used for years until he found the frame he’d stuffed away, unable to look at it because of the pain it caused him.

He held the phone as steady as he could, taking a photo of the frame and attaching it a message, praying Louis still had his phone with him, that he’d read it. It was a photo of the two of them someone had taken, the backdrop a beautiful Christmas tree behind them. But what Harry loved was how he wasn’t even looking at the camera. While Louis was smiling broadly at the camera, his eyes shining with happiness, hand tucked inside Harry’s, Harry was looking at him. He was looking at Louis with what could only be described as pure love, like he was absolutely everything to Harry. He was. He still is.

_ Harry: You lit up London in my eyes. Xx _

He kept staring at the picture, reliving it in his memories until Louis replied, Harry reading it with fear gripping his heart, unsure how Louis would react to his reminiscing. 

_ Louis: Moments stay when people leave. I’ll never forget that. X _

Just as Harry felt a glimmer of hope, the last message put a nail in his coffin of thinking anything could ever be repaired between them.

_ Louis: It’s all I remember. But that was last December. And this is now.  _

Harry slumped against the wall and let the phone clatter to the floor. He didn’t even have it in him to cry, he felt numb. Louis was telling him that what they had… it was in the past. It was memories, and that was where it would stay. He’d taken the love they had and thrown away like it was meaningless, like it didn’t matter. And there was no way he could make this okay.

******

Harry must have fallen asleep because the next thing he knew, he was blinking wearily, the room dark aside from the glow the fairy lights on the Christmas tree were emitting. He groaned as he straightened himself up, his heart aching when he saw no new messages had come in from Louis. It all felt too final, and Harry glanced down to his lap, seeing the photo still sat there.

“Fuck…” he mumbled, getting to his feet and stumbling to the kitchen. He ran the tap for a moment before he filled a glass, ignoring the hungry rumble of his tummy. It was better to feel that than nothing at all. He downed the majority of the cold water, and out of the corner of his eye, he saw the pile of presents still sat on the floor where he’d left them earlier. He banged the glass loudly on the worktop and walked over, snatching up the one of top, Louis’ gift.

Harry passed it between his hands for a moment, thinking about it. He so badly wanted Louis to have his present, but the messages he’d sent earlier said to Harry that he’d closed the door on them, that they were done. Harry understood, he really did. He’d broken Louis’ heart by ending their relationship for purely selfish reasons, but if there was a way to undo everything… wasn’t it worth the risk? Louis was worth everything, he’d lay down his own life if it meant Louis got to be happy, but he was the one behind the destruction. Him and his clumsy, stupid fear. It had ruined everything.

“Sod it…”

He stalked towards his bedroom and ripped off the tatty t-shirt he’d had on all day and pulled on a black shirt and jeans, hoping he didn’t smell too bad after his day of moping. He ran a comb through his messy hair, sure Louis wouldn’t care about that and he shoved his feet in his black leather boots, giving himself a quick glance in the mirror as he left the room, eyeing up the present he’d left on the dresser, next to the photo.

With a decisive nod, Harry picked up the frame and stood it in its place where it had stood for over half a year, since Harry had printed it the day they’d returned home from London. His bottom lip wobbled again with emotion, and before he could change his mind, he snatched up the present and walked into the hallway, wrapping his coat around himself, tucking a scarf around his neck.

He was surprised when he opened the front door to see a light layer of snow covering the world. It was dark now, early evening and it was quiet out. Just before he set off, Harry took his photo out of his pocket, and tapped out a message, needing Louis to see it before he did what he was about to do.

_ Harry: I let the ghosts of my past life ruin everything.  _

_ Harry: You have no idea how much I wish I could take back everything.  _

_ Harry: You were the safety blanket I needed most, Lou. x _

With that, he slid the phone back into his pocket and tucked the present into his pocket, heading off into the night. When Louis had left, he’d moved into a flat not too far from Harry’s, neither able to move far thanks to their work. Louis’ job at a centre for disabled children was his pride and joy, and Harry fondly remembered holding Louis when he’d cried upon finding out he’d got the job, mumbling something about more dreams coming true.

He kept trudging down the street, ignoring the shiver that ran through his body as the snow started to fall a little more heavily around him, settling on top of the dusting that was already on the pavements and roads. Cars drove slowly past, their headlights casting eerie glows in the falling snowflakes, tyres leaving streaks through the white on the roads, heading off to their family and friends, no doubt to share in the excitement of the approaching Christmas.

Harry made a left into the small road where Louis lived. The butterflies in his stomach were going wild as his boots left indents in the snow, his steps getting smaller as he got closer to Louis’ house. It was an end terrace, only something small but Harry had been past enough to know what it looked like. As he’d expected, Louis had decorated for Christmas, a fresh wreath hanging on the door, colourful lights in the windows. Harry thought about the lacklustre effort he’d put in this year, his whole body shivering with both the cold and nerves over seeing Louis again.

They hadn’t set eyes on each in months. Harry had gone so far as to change where he did his weekly shop, knowing Louis would have kept going to their local Sainsbury’s, and settled for one a good twenty minute drive away, determined to avoid Louis as much as he could, not certain what his reaction would be if he saw him before he felt he’d truly moved on. Still, five months later and he wasn’t over Louis anywhere near as much as he thought he would be. If anything, Harry was silently pining, putting on a brave front to his nearest and dearest, promising them he was ready to move on. He wasn’t, not in any sense.

Harry wrung his fingers in front of him as he contemplated actually walking up to the door. It had seemed like a good idea when he’d left home fifteen or so minutes ago, but now, standing in front of Louis’ house, it felt odd, like he didn’t belong. His hand found the present in his pocket, and he rubbed the wrapping paper and ribbon softly, like it was a little talisman that he needed to actually do this. 

Just as he approached the front door, raising his hand to use the brass knocker in the middle of the black wooden door, he was stopped in his tracks as the door swung open, and there he was. The love of Harry’s life, in front of him, looking completely shocked, blue eyes finally meeting green.

“H-Harry?”

Harry couldn’t bring himself to speak. He felt numb, finally seeing Louis again after so long. He was once the man Harry woke up to every morning, kissed goodnight before he went to sleep, shared every moment of his life with, both mundane and intimate. He couldn’t tear his eyes away from him, his soft fringe poking out from under his grey knitted beanie, the puffer jacket around his slender frame. However, he didn’t miss the expression on Louis’ face, one he couldn’t entirely place but he knew wasn’t a happy one, one that was pleased to see him.

“Harry? What are you… why are you here?”

“I, uh…” Harry cleared his throat, realising he was mucking this up, and he couldn’t afford to. This was quite possibly the most important thing he’d ever do in his life, and it had to be right- no, it had to be  _ perfect. _ “Hi, Lou.”

“Hey,” Louis said, a small smile creeping onto his lips even though his body language seemed closed off, like he was trying to keep a distance between them with the arm wrapped around his own stomach.. “I’m, I’m just heading out actually, was it important?”

“Sort of,” Harry shrugged, wishing he could scream it out, that yes, it was the most important thing right now, that nothing could be of higher importance. “Can I come in? Just for a few minutes, please?”

Louis pulled his phone from his pocket and glanced at the time, nodding and stepping back from the door. Harry took that as his cue and stepped inside, smiling gently at Louis as he wiped the soles of his shoes on the doormat.

“Can I just…” Louis began, looking nervous as he stared at Harry for a moment. “What happened to your hair?”

Harry lifted his hand and touched his hair, suddenly realising that of course Louis had no idea what he’d done a few weeks after they’d broken up. He used to have shoulder length curls that Louis used to love plaiting, running his fingers through, twirling around his own fingers absent-mindedly as they watched TV together. One day, the memories of that had just been too much for Harry, and before he knew what was happening, he was sat in the chair at the hairdressers, having it cut off to a short back and sides, only leaving a little length on top. It had been cathartic but it hadn’t quite helped him move on as he’d hoped.

“Oh. Yeah, I didn’t think… I needed a change, I guess? To change who I was. I didn’t like who I was… how I behaved towards you. So I… changed it.”

Louis was silent for a moment, a scarily blank expression on his face as he stared at Harry, like he was taking him in for the first time. 

“Did it give you what you needed?”

“Not really,” he shrugged, trying to stop the tears that were burning behind his eyes. He chewed on his bottom lip for a moment, finding this difficult all of a sudden. His fingers twitched with the need to reach out and touch Louis’ skin, to feel him, to make this real. But he couldn’t, and he shoved his hands in the back pockets of his jeans to stop him doing so. Everything about this felt wrong, and Harry’s stomach churned with guilt over putting this on the two of them without warning. “This was a… this was a bad idea. I should go. I’m so sorry.”

Without warning, he turned and reached for the catch on the door and walked straight out, not looking back. He stifled a sob into the sleeve of his coat, letting his feet carry him away, no idea where he was really heading. The snow was heavier now and was quickly soaking into Harry’s shirt where he’d let his coat hang open in the warmth of Louis’ hallway but he didn’t care. He came to a stop outside a closed shop and slumped back against the window, letting the tears consume him. 

“My dear…”

Harry tried to catch his breath as he heard a soft voice next to him, and glanced up quickly, seeing an older gentleman stood next to him, looking on with concern.

“Sorry, I’m fine-”

“You’re really not. Is there something I can do?”

The kindness of the man almost sent Harry into another downward spiral, but he shook his head, hoping the man would take the hint and leave him alone. He didn’t deserve compassion, he didn’t deserve the kindness of this stranger, not after what he’d done to Louis. 

“Please… it’s freezing out, you’ll get ill. Let me take you somewhere warm…”

Harry shook his head again, trying to gather himself enough that the man would believe he was okay.

“Honestly. I live around the corner, I’ll just… I’ll walk. Sorry to have troubled you.”

“You didn’t. Not at all. I, uh, this may be quite forward of me but I work for the Samaritans and if you need someone to talk to… I’m here.”

“Thank you,” Harry replied, all too aware of how husky with emotion his voice was, and he had a sudden urge to get home, to lock himself way. “I’d best be off…”

“Okay. But just remember… it will pass, whatever it is that is troubling you. And if it feels too much, just reach out, okay? Don’t suffer alone.”

Harry just nodded, blinking back tears as he lifted the edge of his scarf to wipe his eyes. The man squeezed his shoulder gently before he whispered a ‘Merry Christmas’ into Harry’s ear, finally walking away, still glancing back over his shoulder every now and then as Harry just stood for a moment, taking in the world around him.

The walk home felt like it took forever. Harry’s legs felt heavy, and his feet were numb in his boots, his hair soaking wet from the falling snow. His trembling fingers rummaged in his pocket for his door key as he turned onto his road, the wind now howling around him, making his scarf flap around his face. He walked up to the door and slid the key into the lock, stepping inside the warmth in relief. His teeth were chattering as he pulled off his coat, hanging it on the hook near the door, devoid of everything but his own collection of coats now. Somehow, he missed the presence of Louis’ hoodies and jackets amongst his own things.

Harry walked over to the vinyl player in the corner of the room and picked out a vinyl, setting it onto the turntable and resting the needle on the surface, the familiar scratches and pops filling the room until the soft music filled the silence. It was better to hear that than the whirlwind of thoughts churning around in his mind, and Harry sloped off to his bedroom, pangs of loneliness hitting deep as he listened to the lyrics of the soulful songs playing in a melancholy tone throughout the flat.

He changed into some tatty old pyjamas, wanting comfort above anything else, and he left his wet clothes in a heap on the floor. Seeing Louis again had stirred up a lot of emotion in Harry, and instead of going back to the living room as he had intended, Harry curled up on the edge of the bed, running through what had happened. Louis looked like he’d seen a ghost when he’d opened the door to see Harry stood there, and it hurt that for a moment, it looked like Louis just wanted to slam the front door in his face. Harry wouldn’t have blamed him, quite honestly, but it still stung. 

Harry let his eyes shut, hoping he could wake up and that Christmas would be over. He wasn’t even thinking about tomorrow, the fact it was Louis’ birthday and that he wouldn’t be sharing it with him as he had done for the past few years. Christmas Eve would never feel the same again, not now he’d loved and lost Louis. 

It was an hour or so later that Harry was stirred from his light sleep by insistent tapping at his front door. He took in a big breath and sat himself up, stretching out his sore muscles for a moment, trying to get his bearings a little. He waited, wondering if the knocking would stop, but when it didn’t, he knew he had to get up. He had a feeling it would be Gemma, who’d text a few days ago saying she’d pop round before Christmas, and as much as he wasn’t in the mood to see her, he couldn’t leave his sister on the doorstep, not days before Christmas and when it was snowing like it had been.

He walked through his flat in bare feet, realising the music had stopped as he paused at the front door, taking in a breath before he flicked the lock, pulling the door open. But stood there, shivering in the cold, wasn’t Gemma. 

It was Louis.

Harry couldn’t speak. He hadn’t seen Louis for months, and now he’d seen him twice in one day. It was a lot, and his mouth felt as dry as the sahara desert. 

“You never moved, then,” Louis began, eyes flitting around behind Harry, no doubt taking in the familiar surroundings of their once shared flat. Harry just gave a little shake of his head, all of a sudden very aware of the fact he was cold, dressing only in thin checkered pj bottoms and a t-shirt that had seen far better days. 

“No. I… I couldn’t. Shit, come in, it’s cold.”

He shuffled backwards, leaving just enough room for Louis to slip past, their hands brushing as they stood in the small space together. Harry’s heart was beating so quickly he thought he was going to have a heart attack, so he turned, sliding across the lock far more slowly than he needed to, letting Louis back up a little. The proximity to his ex-boyfriend was just too much.

“You know where you’re going…” Harry mumbled, indicating with his hand that Louis could move into the living room, but the other man just look awkward, as if he was out of place, which Harry supposed sadly that he was.

“I… it’s your place now. But yeah, okay. I won’t keep you, I just… I needed to see you were okay. After earlier, you know?”

Harry nodded and followed Louis, trying to keep his eyes on the floor instead of on Louis and his body. Louis looked around for a brief moment, no doubt trying to work out what had changed since he’d moved out. It was a memory Harry would rather forget, dividing their things up, watching Louis stuff his treasured possessions into boxes, readying himself to leave. He saw Louis eyeing up the gaps on the shelves, the space on the wall where a treasured Tomlinson-Styles family portrait had once hung. The silence felt strange, and Harry longed to fill it but he didn’t know what to say. Louis, though, didn’t seem to have the same qualms.

“Harry, what happened earlier? You turned up out of the blue, and then you just left?”

He stayed silent, not knowing how to answer. He still felt like there was no excuse for what he’d done, for abandoning Louis a second time but he couldn’t say that. Louis deserved better than the pitiful excuse of him being scared, as truthful as that might be.

“You need to talk to me, Harry. I’m not a stranger, I’m… I’m me. I’m still me. I’m still Lou, and you can be honest with me. It doesn’t matter what else has happened. Just talk to me.”

Harry’s chin wobbled as he struggled to keep his emotions in check, his eyes dipping from where they’d crept up to meet Louis’ for a brief second before it had all become too much.

“I can’t,” he whispered, his voice cracking on the final word. He sank further back into the sofa and drew his knees up to his chest, his arms wrapped around them. “I don’t deserve you listening to me.”

Harry felt startled as Louis scooted over on the sofa, coming close enough to Harry before he reached out, his hand hovering over Harry’s thigh before he clearly thought better of it, withdrawing it back into his own lap.

“You came round for a reason. I just want to know what it was, then I’ll leave you alone.” Louis let out a sigh before he spoke again. “I guessed something was up when you text me earlier on. I haven’t heard from you in nearly six months, Harry, and then you just text me about last Christmas, like we’re old friends who haven’t chatted for a while?”

“I’m sorry, I was just-”

Something changed in Louis then, and Harry flinched as Louis’ voice took on a more angry tone, the emotion that had been present in it before long gone.

“No, Harry. I wanted to give you a chance to explain, but you know what? The more I think about it, the more angry I get. You walked away from me, Harry. You’re the one who decided what we had wasn’t worth anything, you’re the one who broke my heart and left me alone. Then you thought it’d be okay to just text me and reminisce about the good old days, let alone turning up on my doorstep days before Christmas?!”

“I don’t- I didn’t-”

Louis stood up abruptly then and started pacing back and forth, his hands clenched into fists by his sides, occasionally glancing over to Harry who was still sat on the sofa, nervously twirling a ring round and round on his finger for something to do.

“You know the worst part, though? That I don’t hate you. Do you have any idea how much I wish that I could? You fucking  _ broke _ me, Harry. I couldn’t move from my bed for two weeks because everything felt too much, too heavy. I’d lost you, the one person I thought I could always rely on to be with me, to love me-”

“I do. I still love you,” Harry whispered, Louis just raising his eyebrows and shaking his head at Harry’s declaration.

“But you still ruined what we had, and for what? Because you were hurt before by that bloody prick? You know how sorry I am that he hurt you so badly, Harry, but you let him ruin what we had. You let him into your head enough that it ate away at us.”

Louis clenched his jaw for a moment, reaching up and swiping a fist through the tears that were falling now, all the words they’d never said finally coming to fruition. It had been a long time coming, and as much as Louis’ words were hurting him, Harry needed it. He needed to hear how he’d made Louis feel if he was ever going to move through the hurt and regret.

“Maybe I was naive, thinking I could be the one to make you love and trust me. That’s on me, but you seemed like you wanted us to work. You seemed happy with me. Was it all a lie?”

“No. No way, Louis, please don’t think that-”

“Well, what do you expect? We had two amazing years together, Harry, and then you just came home one night and told me you couldn’t do this anymore. That we’d run our course, and we were done. I was completely blindsided, do you know that? I was busy planning our future while you were clearly preoccupied planning our demise. Do you have  _ any idea _ how that made me feel?”

Harry scrunched his eyes closed for a moment, each of Louis’ words punching into him like the blunt blade of a knife, sinking in with force. It ached deep inside, but Harry wanted it to hurt. He wanted to feel a tiny bit of what he’d done to Louis all those months ago.

“Then it was all gone. Everything I’d wanted my whole life, it vanished. My home, my relationship… my future.”

“I don’t know what to say. I wish I had something, but all I have is that I’m sorry. I know it’s worthless-”

“It’s not. But what I want more is an explanation. I want to know why you ran away from me, instead of turning to me, trusting that I wouldn’t hurt you like he did.”

Harry shook his head again, everything feeling too overwhelming. His hands were shaking, and he could feel himself sweating despite his lack of clothes, but as always, Louis knew how he was feeling almost better than Harry knew himself. Or maybe it was just the fact that Harry never wanted to admit that kind of thing to himself. 

“Harry?”

Louis’ voice sounded far away now, almost like an echo, but Harry couldn’t do anything about it. He was slipping, like he always did, only this time, it was a hundred times worse because he couldn’t call out for the one person he wanted most, even though he was right in front of him. 

He felt Louis’ warm hands on his legs as his ex-boyfriend knelt in front of him, talking lowly but clearly, instructing Harry as he always did when he needed him.

“Breathe, Harry. I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. Just breathe with me, that’s it. One, two, three…”

Harry listened and tried to keep his breaths in time with Louis’, desperately trying to get himself under some sort of control. Louis kept rubbing his hands back and forth over the fabric of Harry’s trousers, applying just enough pressure that Harry could feel it grounding him, bringing him back to reality. He finally gathered enough courage to look up and into Louis’ blue eyes, feeling them connect again in a way they hadn’t for so long. It felt like a lot, but Harry steadied his breaths again, licking his lips before he decided to speak.

“Dylan, he… he ruined me, Louis. I’ve never been really and completely honest with you about how much he destroyed me when he left me.”

Louis stayed silent, gently encouraging Harry with his touch, now sat back slightly but giving Harry his full attention. Harry wasn’t sure he deserved Louis, not when he’d been the one to destroy everything they had.

“Everything was so dark for a long time after he left me. Looking back, I know I was probably depressed. I should’ve… I don’t know, gone and asked for help, but instead, I let it consume me, to the point where I vowed off anymore relationships. I thought that I’d rather be alone than go through that kind of pain again. But then…”

“You met me.” Louis finished his sentence with a small smile. 

“I did. I met you, and I realised that you were the one it was worth risking everything for… my heart, and my happiness. And you know, it all felt so right, Lou, from the beginning. You were an amazing boyfriend, and for so long, I forgot about Dylan, and how he made me feel.”

Louis nodded, but Harry could see something questioning behind his eyes, that he wanted to speak so he stayed quiet, hoping Louis would want to fill the silence.

“So why did you let him back in your mind enough to destroy us? We… we had everything, Harry. I guess I just… I don’t understand, as much as I want to.” The little shrug of Louis’ shoulders broke Harry’s heart. It seemed like a shrug of resignation, like Louis was giving up on Harry in a way, and all it made Harry want to do was explain it, to make Louis see that it wasn’t his fault, that this was all on Harry.

“Because… I hit a point where I loved you more than I ever loved him, and it scared me to death, Louis. He broke me, but knowing how I felt for you was even stronger than that? That was terrifying because it meant you had the power to completely destroy me. So instead of letting you…”

“You walked away.”

There was something Harry couldn’t place in Louis’ tone but he nodded, feeling immense guilt wash all over him.

“I felt like… it would hurt less if I walked away than if you left me. It sounds stupid and twisted, I know that. I got scared, Louis, and that’s pathetic. There’s no excuse for what I did to you, to us.”

Louis just shrugged then, his eyes shining with unshed tears as he looked back up at Harry, pain etched into his face.

“You could’ve just talked to me, told me how you were feeling? I just… I deserved better, Harry.”

Harry just nodded meekly, knowing Louis was right. He hadn’t treated Louis right at all, but there was no way to take it back now. He’d made the biggest mistake, and there was no undoing that.

“I know you did. It’s my biggest regret.”

Louis just sighed, shaking his head, his eyes fixed back on the floor again. Harry longed to reach out and touch him, to offer some comfort but he knew that wouldn’t be welcome. It wasn’t his place, not anymore, and that thought hurt. He startled as Louis suddenly pushed to his feet, taking a few steps away from Harry before he started to talk again.

“Whether you regret it or not, it still happened. You broke my heart. I… I thought we were forever. I imagined us getting married, having kids, the whole lot, Harry. I don’t know if you ever thought about those things too-”

“I did, I promise I did,” Harry said earnestly, needing Louis to know that before he’d broken it off, he’d been in the relationship as much as Louis had.

“You’ve robbed me of those opportunities, the chance to be happy, at least for now.” Louis paused for a moment, fiddling with the cuff of his jumper. “Why did you come to see me earlier?”

“I…” Harry paused, not sure that now was the moment to give Louis his present as he had wanted to earlier. “I guess I just needed to see you? I know that’s selfish, but we were texting and stuff, and I couldn’t get you out of my mind.”

“Right. I see.” Louis pressed his lips together in a thin line, and Harry worried that he’d said the wrong thing. “Well, I should, uh, I should get going, I guess. Are you… alright, I mean… I don’t want to leave you alone if you need me…”

“No, I’m- I’m alright. I appreciate you making sure I’m okay. But Louis, I just… I’m so, so sorry. I know they’re empty words, but I need you to know I mean them. And I… I still love you.”

“And I love you. But I can’t just forget what you did to us.” Louis looked over to the few Christmas cards stood on Harry’s shelf, eyes flicking over where their joint cards had stood last year. There were fewer cards now, but Harry didn’t mind considering he hadn’t bothered to send any out himself this year. “Merry Christmas, Harry.”

“Merry Christmas, Lou. And Happy Birthday, for tomorrow, I mean. Are you…”

“Yeah, going to Mum’s. Spending Christmas there too.”

“Well, I’m glad you won’t be alone,” Harry said, finally getting to his feet and following Louis as he took a few steps towards the hallway. “Thank you for coming round. I know it can’t have been easy…”

“It wasn’t. When I got here I… I wanted to turn around. I wanted to leave because it felt like too much, coming in here again after so long. But I’m glad we’ve spoken. It's… it was good to see you, Harry.”

With that, Louis reached for the front door catch and opened it, a swirl of cold wind whirling into the hallway, making both men shiver. 

“Don’t stand here too long, you’ll get cold. Goodbye, love.”

Louis paused at the slip of the nickname and Harry saw colour rise to his cheeks, but Louis just tugged his jacket around him, looking out into the darkness. 

“Bye, Louis.”

Harry shivered at how final it felt as Louis stepped out of what was once their front door, smiling at Harry before he turned around, walking out towards his car that was parked against the pavement. Before he could rethink, Harry shut the door and slid the chain across, resting his forehead on the cool wood for a moment, collecting his thoughts.

It had been a lot, seeing Louis again after so long, especially twice in one day. He looked as beautiful as ever, although there was definitely something haunted in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Harry got the impression Louis was still very much single, not having moved on, and some small jealous part of him liked that, and he hated himself for having those feelings. He had no right to have any sort of claim on Louis after he let him go, but hearing Louis say he still loved him had sent Harry’s mind reeling, bringing back thoughts he’d pushed far down and out of mind for months and months.

Harry pushed himself away from where he’d been leaning against the wall since Louis had left, letting his eyes rake around his flat, seeing it as Louis had done. It looked a bit dreary if he was honest, and part of Harry wished he felt festive enough to put a few more decorations around, to make it seem like Christmas was actually just a couple of days away. He went and sat down on the sofa, something catching his eye as he reached for the telly remote, needing something to fill the too big silence in the room.

It was a card. The white envelope had Harry’s name on it in Louis’ familiar chicken scratch writing, and Harry’s hand shook as he reached for it, feeling a little strange at holding something Louis had had on his person just a short while ago. He wasn’t sure why Louis hadn’t given it to him personally, but right now, that didn’t matter. All that mattered was that Louis had left it at all. He slid his thumb under the flap of the card and opened the envelope, pulling out the card, a traditional looking festive scene that Harry had no doubts came from Jay’s card collection.

He opened it up and smiled at the familiar writing that was written there, blinking away the few tears that had appeared in his eyes as he read Louis’ words. As he read them through a second and third time, Harry let his fingertip run over the words, letting them sink in. 

_ Dear Harry _

_ Wishing you a very Merry Christmas, I hope you get to enjoy the time with your loved ones.  _

_ You deserve to find happiness, however that comes for you.  _

_ You gave me wonderful memories, and I’ll forever treasure them, especially at this time of year. I have hope that eventually, we can become friends. _

_ Love, _

_ Lou. x _

“Merry Christmas, Lou,” Harry whispered as the tears fell once more, realisation hitting for the first time that he’d truly lost Louis. It had been his choice of course, he was the one who’d broken up with Louis, left him broken-hearted but this, seeing Louis wish for just friendship with him, hit Harry hard. “I’m so, so sorry.”

_ Christmas Morning _

“Darling, you want a glass of Bucks Fizz?”

Harry looked up from where he was curled up on the corner of his mum’s sofa, dressed only in some baggy jogging bottoms and a Christmas jumper that really had seen better days. Anne, on the other hand, looked beautiful as always, dressed to the nines as she usually did on Christmas day. Her glittery top sparkled in the lights of the room, and her hair was pulled back into an elegant chignon, and Harry couldn’t stop himself smiling fondly at her, glad that he’d chosen not to spend today alone.

“Yeah, I’d love one, please. What time is Gems coming?”

“In around an hour,” Anne called as she bustled off to the kitchen, leaving Harry alone once more. He looked down at the small pile of gifts Anne had bestowed on him that morning when he’d arrived a few hours ago, still in his pyjamas, a bag of clothes and presents in the crook of his arm. They’d shared a few gifts together and had just enjoyed the peace as carols played quietly in the background. It had been perfect, but still, Harry felt like there was something missing. 

He pushed himself off the sofa and dragged his feet as he walked to join Anne, watching her open the bottle and pour the fizzy liquids into two champagne flutes that only came out for special occasions. She turned and smiled upon seeing her son, handing him one, keeping the other in her hand. Her red nails popped in the soft kitchen light, and Harry clinked their glasses together gently.

“Merry Christmas, sweetheart. Next year’s going to be a good one, isn’t it?”

“I hope so. Can’t be much worse than this one,” Harry shrugged before taking a sip of the bubbly liquid. It fizzed its way down his throat, and Harry licked his lips of a few errant droplets, leaning back against the worktop as Anne took out some vegetables, getting everything ready to start the dinner in a short while. 

“Can you pass-”

“I saw Louis the other day,” he blurted out, Anne’s eyes widening as she took in her son’s words, looking shocked herself at the revelation. “I went to his, and then I left, so he came to mine and we… we talked. Properly, for the first time.”

Anne nodded and put down the bag of carrots in her hand, walking over to her son. She led him over to the table and they sat there, just looking at each other as Harry gathered the courage to speak again, to embellish on what he’d already confessed.

“We started texting out of the blue, and I wanted to see him, to give him the Christmas present I got him months ago. But when I got there, I- I bottled it, Mum. I got the feeling he didn’t really want me there, so I left. But… he came after me. He turned up at the flat and-”

Harry’s voice wavered at that, finding it a lot to admit to, and Anne scooted her chair closer, wrapping Harry’s hand in her own, stroking her thumb back and forth over his skin.

“Oh, darling. That must have been hard.”

“It was. Having him there, in the place where we lived, made memories… I think he found it hard, too. But we talked, and I admitted that I got scared about us because he meant more to me than Dylan ever did.”

“I’ll never forgive that boy for what he did to you,” Anne said under her breath, but Harry could feel the intent seeping through her words. “What did Lou say to that?”

“Not a lot,” Harry admitted, eyes drifting down to follow the grain in the wooden table. “He was so hurt, even now. I could see it in his eyes, and then he left. But… it didn’t feel final, somehow. Not like it did before, when he left our home for the last time.”

There was silence for a moment, the room only filled with the ticking of the kitchen clock as Anne let everything sink in, contemplating her next words. Harry’s eyes flitted up to the window that overlooked the garden, watching the branches of the large tree outside sway in the breeze. It looked peaceful outside, not snowing, just overcast and grey, and Harry felt it somehow suited his mood.

“So do you think…” Anne trailed off, shrugging her shoulder slightly as if she was nervous of putting the idea out there. Harry let out a long slow breath before he answered.

“Honestly? I don’t know. I… I still love him, and he said he still loves me. But there’s been a lot of water under the bridge, and-”

“Harry. Would you want to be with him again, if you could?”

Harry just nodded, willing himself not to start crying again. He’d cried more in the past few days than he had in a long time, and his eyes were sore. Anne squeezed his hand a little again, and locked eyes with her son.

“If it’s meant to be, it’ll be. Just… give yourselves time to work through things, if that’s what you both want. You need a hug?”

Anne didn’t bother to wait before leaning in, wrapping her arms around Harry’s slender frame, the jumper hanging baggily from his body. He nuzzled in, smelling the scent of her perfume that he could never associate with anyone else but her, and he let himself be comforted, relaxing entirely in her hold. It was the ringing of the doorbell that broke them apart, and Harry sniffed, running his fingers under his eyes, pleased to see no tears had fallen yet.

“That’ll be your sister. Do you want to let her in, or…”

“No, can you? I want to go and get dressed, get myself together a little bit.”

They both pushed up from the table and Harry hurried up the stairs, closing the bedroom door behind him. It was his childhood bedroom, but it didn’t look anything like it anymore. The walls were now painted in a soft duck egg blue, a light grey carpet on the floor, with the most beautiful bedspread on top of the king sized bed he certainly didn’t have when he was a boy. His overnight bag was sat in the corner and Harry grabbed it, swinging it onto the bed as ripples of conversation floated up the stairs, Gemma’s excited voice coming through clearly.

Harry unzipped the stiff fastening of his bag until the flaps of material feel open, exposing the contents of Harry’s bag. There wasn’t much in there, but he knew he’d packed a slightly smarter jumper than he felt was perhaps a little more appropriate for the day, as well as a clean pair of jeans. He reached in, rummaging around for his can of deodorant but he stopped when his hand hit something else, something he’d forgotten he’d packed the other evening.

His hands clasped around the shiny wrapped gift and he pulled it out. It was the present for Louis he’d failed to give him the other day, and Harry let his eyes close, steadying his breath as he gripped the present, bringing it closer to his body. The thought of Louis not receiving it today didn’t sit well with him, and Harry’s head was swimming with thoughts as he got undressed, the present by now staring up at him from where he’d set it down on the bed.

As he slipped his arms into the cashmere jumper Anne had bought him a few years ago for his birthday, Harry made his mind up. He finished dressing, squirting a spritz of aftershave onto his cheeks before he ran his fingers through his hair, agreeing with his reflection before he turned, snatching up the parcel from the bed and stalking out of the room, thundering down the stairs with heavy footsteps.

“Bloody hell, Haz, trying to come through the floor or something?” Gemma chided as she walked over, grabbing her baby brother into a tight hug that Harry just let happen for a moment. “Ooh, pressies, gimme-”

“No!” Harry yelled out, taking a step back, the present clasped tightly in his hands. “It’s, uh, it’s not for you. Mum, come here a sec?”

Gemma frowned until Anne appeared, a soft smile on her face as she came to a stop next to her daughter, an arm around Gemma’s waist. Harry smiled at the sight of the two women in his life, and he felt nervous as he started to speak.

“I need to, uh… I need to go and deliver this. I won’t be long, I’ll be back in time for dinner but I…”

“Go,” Anne said with a knowing smile on her lips. “We’ll be waiting.”

“Where’s he going?” Gemma asked as Harry walked into the hallway, shoving his feet into his loafers as quickly as he could. “Someone tell me what’s going on!”

Harry laughed and instead of answering, he put his coat on and stepped out into the chilly Christmas morning, his breath coming out in puffs of steam as he closed the door behind him, Gemma’s indignant voice still audible over the still morning. Before he moved any further, Harry put the present further down into his pocket, ensuring it wasn’t going to fall out before he headed off, enjoying the stillness of the world around him.

Harry’s feet clacked on the pavement as he strolled in the direction of Louis’ family home, not too far from where his own Mum lived. Harry was glad he knew that Louis would be spending Christmas with his mum rather than alone, although the thought of seeing Jay again after so long and breaking her son’s heart made him feel a little bit sick. To calm himself down, Harry reached into his pocket and touched the present, letting the thought of it ground him, knowing there was no way Louis wouldn’t love what he’d done for him.

The jewellery box was stretching Harry’s coat pocket to the limit, but he didn’t mind. Knowing that something so precious to Louis was nestled inside was enough to eliminate any other thoughts, and he smiled to himself at the thought of Louis finally seeing it. Harry knew it was a very sentimental present, that it would probably make Louis cry but it would be totally worth the money it had cost to see his face as he saw the restored gift for the first time.

Louis had been gifted a watch that had once belonged to his grandfather when he’d turned eighteen, shortly after the man had died. Harry hadn’t had the opportunity to meet him, but Louis spoke of him with such reverence and respect he truly wished he had. Louis wore it every day, no matter where he went until an accident had befallen it when he’d taken his little siblings out for a bike ride. He’d reached out to stop Doris falling to the floor but had stumbled himself, his left forearm taking the impact, along with the watch.

He’d come home in tears, sobbing into Harry’s chest, not speaking until he was calm enough to stutter out what had happened, pulling the shattered watch out of his pocket. Harry’s heart had broken when he’d seen how devastated Louis was, but instead of fixing it, Louis had stowed it away in a drawer, unable to look at it. Just a few weeks before he’d split up with Louis, Harry had sought out a jewellery restorer, who’d promised Harry he could return it to its former glory, and Harry had paid handsomely, delighted with the work when it was done.

Harry may not be Louis’ boyfriend anymore but he still had to give him the present. It wasn’t about getting any recognition from Louis about it, he just wanted to make Louis happy and he knew this would most definitely work. He paused at the kerb to let a car go whirring past, a child sat in the back seat waving excitedly at him as they were swept past, and Harry couldn’t help himself raising a hand to return the wave, his heart skipping a beat as he crossed the road and into Jay’s street. The house was the one on the corner, Christmas lights in each window, and the most beautiful Christmas wreath hanging from the door.

Before he could second guess himself, Harry stepped up to the door and pressed the doorbell with his finger, taking a step back again. So many times, he’d turned up with Louis and just walked inside, shouting out greetings before little children came running at them, so this felt a little odd. He hadn’t been here in almost six months now, and Harry felt his tummy turn over with nausea as the door opened, a shocked looking woman stood on the other side.

“What are you doing here?”

There wasn’t a lot of love in Jay’s tone at all as she folded her arms across her chest, sending Harry a look of disdain as he stood looking back at her, wishing he’d just stayed at home.

“Hi, Jay. I’m sorry to just turn up-”

“You didn’t answer my question.”

Harry nodded, reaching into his pocket and pulling out the gift. He saw Jay’s eyes move down to notice it before she obviously rolled her eyes, clearly not keen on giving Harry the time of day.

“I have something for Louis. I’d really like it if I could give it to him…”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea. You hurt him, Harry, so much. I’d rather you just left him alone-”

“We saw each other the other day, Jay. We talked, and…”

“Mum, who is it- oh.”

Louis appeared behind Jay, clearly surprised to see Harry but he wasn’t as cold as his mum was. Harry’s heart soared at that, and he sent Louis a tentative smile which was thankfully returned, Louis stepping up to stand beside his mum.

“Merry Christmas, Lou.”

“And to you, Haz. Mum, can you… can you give us a minute?”

Jay looked between the pair again for a second, sighing as she nodded.

“Happy Christmas, Jay,” Harry called, but Jay disappeared before he could finish speaking, clearly not in a frame of mind to give Harry the time of day. He understood, but it still stung. Jay had felt like his own mum throughout the two years of his and Louis’ relationship, and to have her be so cold to him wasn’t nice at all. “I’m so sorry to crash your Christmas morning…”

“It’s okay, really,” Louis began, and Harry couldn’t help his eyes flitting down to take in Louis’ torso in the figure hugging Christmas shirt he had on, his tattooed arms covered in goosebumps from the cold. “Did you… want something?”

Harry nodded, bringing the gift up to his chest. Louis noticed it, and a flush rose on his cheeks as Harry pushed it forwards.

“Please take it,” he said, his voice cracking with emotion as Louis did so, biting gently on his lower lip. “I know we’re not together, and that I have no right to do this but I just had to give this to you.”

“You want me to…” Louis started, gesturing to the present with his free hand, and Harry nodded, shoving his hands low in his pockets as he watched Louis pulled off the ribbon and started to unfold one end of the present, opening it as gently as he always did. “I’m sorry, I didn’t get you anything,” Louis said as he unwrapped the present a little more, but Harry didn’t mind, not having expected anything anyway.

“I didn’t want anything. This is enough for me, giving you this today. I’m just grateful you haven’t told me where to go…”

“I would never,” Louis practically whispered, discarding the wrapping paper to the floor as he looked down with a serious expression at the box in his hands. “Harry, what is this…”

“Open it and see.”

Harry held his breath as Louis lifted the lid, and he could see the moment of recognition, how Louis’ face crumpled when he realised what it was Harry had done.

“Oh, Harry…”

There was the sound of a sob coming from Louis, and Harry didn’t hesitate to step forwards, wrapping his arms around Louis. Thankfully, the other man went easily and sobbed against Harry’s chest, the present still clutched in his hand. Harry held him there until he felt his cries calm down a little, and released him, reaching a hand forward to wipe away a tear on Louis’ cheek with the pad of his thumb.

“You… you fixed it.”

“A while ago, actually,” Harry admitted, his heart racing as Louis’ eyes remained fixated on the precious watch, fingertips grazing down the leather band, across the smooth glass surface of the watch face. “I know how devastated you were when it broke, and I hated seeing how sad you were.”

“How did you…”

“I found a specialist restorer. They kept as much of the original watch as they could, they had to replace the glass because it was smashed but…”

“Harry, just… stop.”

Harry blinked and swallowed before he met Louis’ eyes, heart aching as he saw them swimming with tears.

“This is the best thing anyone’s ever got me. I love it so much, you have no idea how much this means to me, that you did this for me…”

Harry stayed silent, not sure what to say to that. He just stood back and watched as Louis gently lifted the watch out of the box, bending down to put it on the carpet by his feet. As he stood up, Harry’s heart flooded with love as he watched Louis rest it on his face, slipping the band through the clasp and fastening it, admiring it before he held it out to Harry, showing it off with the biggest, broadest smile, one that lit up his whole face, made his eyes crinkle in the corners just as Harry loved so much.

“How does it look?”

“Perfect,” Harry whispered in reply, loving how Louis kept looking down at it in what looked like awe and wonder. “Louis?”

“Hmm?” 

His blue eyes lifted up to meet Harry’s for a moment, and Harry felt something pass between them, something he hadn’t felt in too long.

“It didn’t work, you know.”

Louis frowned and his eyes flew down to the watch, relief filling his face when he saw Harry was wrong.

“What? No, it does, look, the second hand is ticking-”

“Not that,” Harry whispered, reaching out and taking Louis’ hand, forcing him to look at him again. “I meant… me walking away when I did, to stop my own heart getting broken.”

Louis just kept looking at him, and Harry sensed he was willing him to say more, so Harry did.

“It didn’t work. I still ended up heartbroken. I was more heartbroken than I ever was with Dylan. I regret what I did, but most of all, I regret hurting you.”

Louis’ bottom lip was trembling now, and Harry longed to reach out and touch, to make it all better but he knew it wasn’t his place, not anymore. That was entirely his fault, and he hated himself more than ever in that very moment.

“I wish I could take it back, leaving you. I’m still so in love-”

Harry was cut off by Louis’ lips pressing gently against his, trapping the final few words of his sentence inside. Harry was still for a moment before he realised what was happening, and he let his eyes flutter shut, losing himself in the kiss. Louis’ soft lips worked tentatively against his own, and Harry slowly reached up, setting his hand on the curve of Louis’ waist, pulling him ever so slightly closer.

It remained like that for an indiscriminate amount of time until Louis pulled away, gently resting his forehead against Harry’s as they caught their breath, mingling between them as Louis’ fingers found Harry’s, tangling them together in a way they’d always done between their bodies. Harry’s breaths were coming out short and fast, unable to comprehend that this was happening, and just as he was coming to terms with it, Louis stepped away, a hand still resting on Harry’s cheek.

“I can’t just forgive how you broke me, Harry. I said I still love you and I do, I think I always will.”

“I understand,” Harry mumbled, realising this was it, that that was a kiss goodbye. “I’m so sorry. It’ll never be enough, but just know that I am…”

“No, Harry, stop. Don’t run away from me, not again. Please?”

Harry stopped where he’d taken a few steps away from Louis and turned, seeing the other man’s face was shattered once again, and he nodded, hating that he’d been the one to put the hurt back in Louis’ eyes.

“I can’t just get over it. It’s going to take a long time, and I need to believe that I can trust you again, that I can trust you won’t hurt  _ me _ this time.”

“Louis, are you…”

Louis’ tongue shot out and licked over his lips as his eyes darted around, taking in Harry’s features, his body language, the way he was struggling to hold himself back from launching at Louis, wrapping his arms around him and holding him close the way he’d been dreaming of the past few days.

“You hurt me. But I know where it came from, and that… that you still love me. And I feel like I’d be a fool to throw this all away again. I don’t want to jump back into us, to living together, to everything being fine. We need to work at this-”

“Whatever you need, Louis. I want to prove myself to you, that I’ll never hurt you again, I promise-”

“Don’t,” Louis said, pressing a finger to Harry’s lips, gently shaking his head. “Don’t make promises. Let’s just take it one day at a time, okay?”

Harry nodded, puckering his lips slightly into a kiss, and Louis smiled at the feel of Harry doing just that, taking a quick step closer, his bare toes touching those of Harry’s shoes.

“I’m going to go. You need to spend Christmas with your family,” Harry said, his voice soft, only intended for Louis’ ears. “But tomorrow…”

“I’ll come round. We’ll talk and… yeah,” Louis said, rubbing the back of his neck almost nervously, and Harry longed to make him feel comfortable. “Thank you, for the watch. It’s amazing, and I can’t believe… actually, I can. This is exactly the sort of thing you’d do, and I… I love you for it.”

“I love you, too. Merry Christmas, Louis.”

Harry leaned in, brushing his lips against Louis’ cheek in a gentle kiss before he pulled back, smiling at him, Louis’ thumb rubbing against his jaw for an all too brief second.

“See you tomorrow,” he muttered before turning and walking away. He didn’t want to. He wanted to stay there and bury himself in Louis’ arm, to beg for forgiveness, to make promises he intended to keep. But that was for another time. For now, he had hope, and that had to be enough.

_ One Year Later - Christmas Day _

Louis pushed open the gate to the cemetery, making sure it was closed behind him when he’d stepped inside, shivering from the cold. He clutched the poinsettia in his hands closer to his chest, and he trudged down the gravel paths, his feet crunching on the small stones. As always, the cemetery was quiet, and Louis only passed one other person as he wove through the headstones, heading to the area he visited regularly enough he knew it like the back of his hand.

He spotted the grey stone in the distance and smiled, speeding up his steps a little. He took note of the other names on stones as he walked around, pleased to see that most of them had lived long and happy lives, stones etched with loving messages from the families those who had passed had left behind. Louis took the last few steps closer and smiled at the stone as he stayed on the path, now opposite where he needed to be.

“Hi, Grandad,” he said softly, and he took a step onto the grass, walking over to the headstone. Someone else had been by since Louis had last visited, leaving behind a small bouquet. It had been cleared out, and the metal holder was empty. Louis peeled the cellophane away from the poinsettia, and he rearranged a few of the red leaves before he set the plant down, making sure it didn’t obscure his grandfather’s name. The red plant popped beautiful in the otherwise muted location, and it made Louis smile to just look at it.

“Sorry that it’s been a few months since I last came. Life’s been really busy, you know how it is,” he began, shifting his position and trying to get comfortable. It had rained for a few hours earlier that morning, so Louis knew he couldn’t sit down on the grass and get a wet backside. He just rocked back and forth on his heels for a moment, taking in the silence. “I can’t stay too long, actually. I’ve been at mum’s most of the day, she’s doing well. You’d be so proud of her, how she takes care of all of us. She told me to tell you she’d be round soon as well.”

Louis sighed and stood up, ignoring the tingling in his feet thanks to how he’d been crouched for too long, and he rested a hand on the gravestone in front of him, his watch glinting slightly in the sunshine that was trying desperately to break through the clouds of earlier in the day. 

“I just wanted to say hey, really. And to let you know I’m in a better place now. It’s been a rough road, we both know that. I know you know yourself how rough life can be, but I feel like I’ve got to the other side now. It feels good, if I’m honest.” Louis smiled to himself for a moment, looking down at the watch, reaching to touch the worn leather band, loving how he knew it had once been wrapped around his grandfather’s wrist. It was still his most treasured possession, and Louis took care of it like he did nothing else.

At that moment, his phone pinged and Louis slid it out of the back pocket of his jeans, smiling down at the message on screen before he put it away again, wanting it to be just the two of them for the moment.

“Ah, that’s my cue. I’m not back at work until Friday, so I’ll be back, and maybe I won’t be alone. I think I might bring Mum, maybe Lottie and Fiz as well if they’re up for it. You know how they are about coming here though. But… Merry Christmas, Grandad. I miss you so much, as always. I miss our chats, you listening to me moan about anything and everything. I wish… I wish you were here now, that you could see me finally happy.”

Louis pressed his fingers to his lips, kissing them before he pressed them against his grandad’s engraved name, letting them linger there for a brief second. His eyes drifted down to the poinsettia once more, and Louis let out a long, slow breath before he finally turned and walked away. He felt lighter somehow, the way it always made him feel when he’d been to see his Grandad, and he picked up his pace, chilly and ready to get home.

He’d chosen to walk, needing the time to clear his head on the way there. It had been a long day already, and the sun was starting to set now it was late afternoon. He’d enjoyed the time he’d spent with family earlier on, watching their faces full of glee as they’d opened the gifts he’d chosen, wrapping him in tight and loving hugs as they whispered words of thanks in his ears. Now, though, the majority of the day was done and Louis was tired, and more than ready for an evening in front of the television, curled up with his favourite blanket on his lap, and a beer in hand.

The walk home was brisk, and it felt like no time at all until he arrived home. He pulled his keys from his pocket and slid it into the lock, the door swinging open as Louis stepped inside, wrapped in the cocoon of warmth the flat offered him. He shivered but slid off his coat, hanging it up by the door, among the other meagre few items hung there too. He stepped inside, the place almost dark, illuminated by just a few candles dotted around.

“Oh, you’re home,” came a deep voice from across the room, and Louis smiled, walking towards the other man, stepping into his embrace. He relaxed against his chest, his hands finding the other man’s pockets, slipping inside. “Was it alright?”

“Yeah,” Louis nodded, pulling back and pushing onto his toes to kiss his boyfriend gently. “Thanks for being okay with me going.”

“No worries, love, I totally get it. You want a tea or something?”

“Please,” Louis agreed, following him into the kitchen. “Hey, Harry?”

Harry turned around where he was, sending Louis a soft and fond look as he stared questioningly at him.

“Yeah, Lou?” He frowned when Louis didn’t answer, taking a step closer. “You okay?”

“I am, actually. I’m happy. And I’m glad we worked this out. That we’re good again. I was so lost, you know.”

“Well, I found you again. That’s all that matters right now, yeah?”

“It is. Love you,” Louis muttered, letting Harry kiss him gently. When they stopped, he looked around, hating the site of the piled up boxes all around, but at the same time, he loved what it meant. “God, we must be mad moving flats just two days after Christmas.”

“I know,” Harry shrugged, filling the kettle from the tap. “But it’ll be worth it. It’ll be great to live together again in a place that’s just ours, new and free from the past.”

“It will,” Louis agreed, sidling up behind Harry and looping his arm around his waist, placing a kiss between his shoulder blades. “I’m just gonna go and get changed into something comfy, alright?”

Harry nodded and turned his head for a fleeting kiss before Louis left the room, weaving around the boxes in Harry’s flat. Louis hadn’t felt comfortable moving back in, too haunted by the memories of before, and just a few months ago they’d made the decision to buy somewhere new together. His own things were boxed up at his place, but he’d still spent more time at Harry’s than in his own flat. He pulled open one of Harry’s drawers and grabbed a knitted jumper and some joggers, sliding them on, leaving his Christmas day outfit on the bed. 

He walked over to the bedside table and set down his watch before he sat on the side of the bed, already made thanks to Harry’s love of keeping house. He pulled out his phone and scrolled through his photos, going back a year. He scrolled through the photos from Christmas last year, and he paused at one Lottie had taken and sent him. He was curled up on the sofa, a smile on his face that didn’t his eyes. Louis knew that he’d been miserable last year, single and ripped apart by having seen Harry a few days before, and before Harry had arrived on his doorstep, he’d gone through the motions of Christmas to appease everyone else.

He favourited the photo for a second, not wanting to lose it before he moved back to the photos of the present day, of the photo Jay had taken of he and Harry when they’d arrived that morning, sat on the floor together in their matching Christmas socks Daisy and Phoebe had bought them, the widest smiles on their faces. Their hands were tangled and resting on Harry’s thigh, and Louis realised the picture just encapsulated happiness.

He opened up his messages app and Harry’s thread, adding the first picture and a comment, echoing something he knew he’d said a year ago. 

_ Louis: That was last December. _

He sent it off, and it clicked over to read almost immediately. Louis quickly attached the second image, the heart emoji and wrote another caption underneath, the photo still making him smile as he tapped out the message.

_ Louis: And this is now. _

_ Louis: I love you. Always. X _

It was just a second later that his phone pinged with a reply.

_ Harry: I love you, too, always and forever. Xxxx _

Louis clicked off his phone, smiling as he threw it onto the bed as he walked out of the room. It had been a long and hard road the past year, but he knew he’d made the right decision taking Harry back. But the past was just that. The past. And all Louis had to look forward was a bright future. A future belonging to himself and Harry.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for reading. Hope it didn't hurt too much. x
> 
> Also partly inspired by this prompt submission:  
> 26\. “We went through a really bad break up a month ago, but I already bought you a Christmas gift. it’s too late to return it now and I know you’d really like it so I show up to your house on Christmas Eve and present the new watch I bought to replace your old one that’s nearly falling apart and I swear I see tears in your eyes” au


End file.
